Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*cough*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”