After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Incredible customer service.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
don’t be scared
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy