A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
#Caturday
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.