Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great