Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
File under excellent bookstore names.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
#JohnTravolta