Knuckle tats:
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How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Breaking news:
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.