I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Blew my mind.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.