I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
it must be school picture day
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
San Francisco has too many rules
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.