“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
You learn something every day
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day