okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.