If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
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i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
get you a girl who
Just me and my debit card against the world
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Wait a minute…
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore