If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!