It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
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Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.