My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
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I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
And then there were 4
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.