I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You Might Also Like
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”