[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch