Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
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Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”