If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
translated into Canadian
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?