3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.