There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
this is the news I live for
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.