Pretty much! 馃槀馃憖
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who鈥檚 going to hide it from me?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
You can鈥檛 make me jealous. You鈥檙e not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.