Cats are still liquid.
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Before & after 😅
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
oppen heimer style lol
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.