I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Practicing safe sax
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?