Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
peak technology
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born