here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.