alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo πππ
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card itβs very sick
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Dr Suess isnβt that special. watch this:
Iβm mad and sad and doing very bad
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
In the spirit of βCancel Cultureβ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. π
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Her: βWhat an ugly babyβ
Him: βMy baby is NOT ugly!β
Her: βSo, whoβs baby is this?β
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
βYouβve done this THREE TIMES?β
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: whoβs Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I havenβt had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as βthe economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.β