ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys