Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
monday
Home is where your toilet is.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that