[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.