[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it