Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite