You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.