gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”