me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.