interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket