My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I鈥檓 not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 馃槶馃槶馃槶
You Might Also Like
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn鈥檛 even running.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it鈥檚 a good thing you didn鈥檛 become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma鈥檚 probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Roy Batty: “I鈥檝e seen things you people wouldn鈥檛 believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
OH MY GOD I鈥檓 not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn鈥檛 even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Paper cut-outs of coins don鈥檛 work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played