He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
WTF
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them