{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
You Might Also Like
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )