The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
You Might Also Like
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me, flirting😏
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Dishonest mechanic?