Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Sell your car