[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
*seductively eats two tums*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.