Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Feels
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]