doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.