The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
😜
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever