Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
A ghost story
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly