Weirdos gonna weird.
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My favorite female superhero
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
This made me chuckle.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
OKAY DAD
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)