[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat