Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
a god among men
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK