Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.