My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP